Bad News

Ian, Jade and I went to my doctors appointment on Friday. Teagan went to school. It was my first appointment so I had to do the medical history, ultrasound and exam. I went in alone for the medical history so that Jade could continue to run around the lobby with her daddy. When they asked for my urine sample I was bleeding. I had been spotting and they told me it was nothing but I knew in the back of my mind it was something. Especially now.

We went in for the ultrasound and as soon as I could see the baby I knew. Not that anything looked wrong. In fact because the baby is so still it looks perfect. Too perfect. I could see each little arm and leg. The head and the chest. My eyes searched for the heartbeat. Looking places it shouldn't be but knowing if the baby were moving at all I wouldn't be seeing it so clearly. I grabbed Ian trying in vain to warn him. I didn't want to say the words because I had hoped the doctor would see something different than I did. I wanted to be wrong.

I made some really dumb comment about the due date on the screen being my birthday knowing there would be no due date. Her uncomfortable reaction confirmed even more what I already knew and I shot Ian a look trying to prepare him again. She printed the picture and ended quickly to give us the bad news. I wish she had asked Ian if he wanted to see. I have great consolation in seeing how perfect the baby looked. How it grew well until it didn't. How all that was missing was the spot where the heart should be beating.

We cried but I was prepared. For two weeks I had been having thoughts about losing the baby. Driving to pick up Teagan it came into my mind that if we lost the baby it was okay because it had gotten it's little body. We had done our part in God's plan. Another time I was thinking about how our baby could be too perfect for this world needing only it's body. I thought I was being morbid or trying to prepare myself for anything that could happen as I sometimes do. The fact that the baby died two weeks ago makes me think it was God preparing me not myself.

I'm okay. I think we are all okay. We are sad but I think we have a great understanding of why this happened. I strongly believe that this little spirit only needed it's body. It didn't even need to be born. We waited until that evening to tell Teagan. I sat him in my lap and explained. He hugged me tight again and again but said nothing. I asked if he had any questions and he shook his head no. I sqeezed him tight getting tears on his cheeck. When I wiped them away he reminded me that they were my tears not his. I think he was determined to be strong.

Saturday I started having a lot of pain. While I was writing an email to a friend and crying Teagan asked me if the baby's arms would work. I explained no that the heart was not pumping so no blood was getting to the brain that tells the body to move. He didn't explain but I think he was hoping the baby could hug me. That day Ian's dad came over to help Ian give me a blessing. That evning I felt good enough to go out for a bite to eat. Teagan spent the night at his grandma and grandpa's so he could go to church with them.

Today is Sunday. This morning I woke up in pain but I figured it was par for the course. I had some breakfast and decided it was time to start this blog. As I was writing I was having so much pain I couldn't sit still. Then I couldn't sit up. I asked Ian to call the doctor because I wasn't going to make it to Monday. I jumped in the shower thinking I was going to get ready. I did manage to at least get dressed but that was it. I've never been in such pain in my life. Thankfully my aunt Mari came to pick up Jade. Then we made the hour and a half drive to the hospital.

I had terible pain all the way. I could tell Ian had no idea what to do. Neither did I. In one of my moments of relief I noticed he was listening to a Raider's game on the radio. For a spilt second I was irritated but then it came to me how helpless he must feel and I was grateful he had something to distract him in the peaceful moments between my pain. Of course when we finally get to the emergency room they make us wait.

After what seemed like forever they finally wheeled me back. The nurse comes in to take my history and ask way to many questions. I just want something for the pain. A doctor comes in and perscribes me something. The nurse is gone forever and finally comes back with the shot. Once I got the shot I was happy to wait as long as they would like. The pain came back and I was lucky enough to overhear the nurse on the phone with the OR saying it would make her job easier not to give me anymore medication. She came in and said that my blood pressure was low so they wouldn't be giving me anymore. I tried to explain my blood pressure was always that low but I'm pretty sure she thought I was lying.

Luckily my doctor came in. I told her about the situation and she said they were just not used to young people with low blood pressure and she ordered the medication. The nurse was a bit miffed but did as she was told. My blood pressure did not change. Hmm curious. I sent Ian to get something to eat seeing no reason for both of us to be hungry. We were well entertained by the nurses and other patients in the emergency room. I told Ian I felt like we should have bars on our door for safety. Ian couldn't stand the waiting but as long as I was comfortable I could wait forever.

When they finally got us over to the OR everyone was so kind and wonderful. I thought I would cry but I was okay. It seemed every new person that came to my bed asked about the children we already had. I could see how they were focussing on the positive and I appreciated it. Ian could not come in with me but it was okay. I felt like I was in good hands. I was asleep quickly and awoke pretty coherent and thrilled to have some ice chips. Finally I had no pain.

I was discharged and very thankful we made a hotel reservation. I was promised I would be sleepy but I'm not. How I wish I were. So I lay here writing this putting Ian's had back on my stomach every time he moves it in his sleep. I really wasn't prepared for my stomach to be basically normal again. In a way I wish it weren't. It's all so final and over. So wish me sleep and pray for us.