If Thou Will Endure It Well

You know I was just telling Kelsey the other day that I wished there was an option to make some blog posts private. This is our family history. It's going to be in print some day for the children to look back on and maybe even grandchildren. There are the posts about the holidays and important happenings and then there are ones like this.

I've been in tears off and on since about 6pm. I believe I have finally hit my limit. That is until heaven forbid something else happens and I find I have a new one. I sit here at eye level with a stack of medical bills. More keep coming everyday. The doctor visits, anesthesiologist, hospital, lab bills.

I look at them and can't for the life of me figure out why I'm paying $70 to be tested for things that can't possibly harm a baby that has already died. Then we are sick and sick and sick again. Teagan misses a whole week of school. We had to reschedule his birthday, then he misses the Halloween festivities at school and nearly Halloween itself.

Today I pick him up from school and he says he doesn't feel good. All I can think is not again please. No more. Before we get in the car he is crying hard. His head hurt and the sun was hurting his eyes. Even in the car with sun glasses on it was hurting him so badly he had to close his eyes. I hadn't seen him this way. It really scared me. So we run over to the doctor and wait. He can't stop crying. I'm scared and trying to figure out why my six year old would have what seems to be a migraine.

The doctor sees him and finds nothing wrong but a slightly elevated temperature. Not a fever by any means but just higher than Teagan normally runs. While glad it's not meningitis I'm disappointed to not know why this is happening. The nurses don't seem satisfied either because Teagan looked so sick and suggest I wait for the doctor to see him again. They were really sweet by the way. I was grateful for that.

I pick up some movies so Teagan can just relax on the couch. He watches one while Jade has a snack. I remember I'm suppose to bring snacks for football tomorrow. There is no way I'm going to have Teagan running and getting knocked around with his head hurting like this. This is his last game. It's disappointing to miss it. It seems nothing is going to go well anymore.

I dread the idea of loading the kids back in the car and dragging Teagan around not feeling good to pick up snacks for a game we won't make it to but I have no choice with Ian being gone. I called Cindy Reid to arrange getting the snacks to her and she calls back and leaves me a message that she will take care of it. She said she is going to the store anyway and not to worry about it. I think that is when I broke. I was so grateful for that act of kindness. I listened to the message and just said thank you out loud and lost it.

Everything has just been soo difficult lately and her taking that one thing of my shoulders was so wonderful. In high school when we were traing for lifegaurding we would tread water holding a 10lb plate up out of the water. We would have competitions with each other to see who could go the longest. I was really good at this game, exercise, whatever you would call it.

That just seems to be our life right now. Except now I'm older and out of shape and the plate is heavier. I feel I just keep telling myself it's okay and a new day comes and I keep treading but each day that plate gets heavier and I'm sinking more and more and it's not fair. Why the hell is my plate so heavy? Not even compared to someone elses. Only looking at myself why now?

My childhood was not in the realm of easy but since I've grown up things have been pretty good. I guess I had it set in my head that I've already had my trials and they are behind me. Why I thought it worked that way I don't know. I guess I felt like I was a new person and this person didn't really have real problems. Perhaps I was trying to will it to be that way.

I bathe Jade and get her dressed while Teagan is in the bath I sit on Jade's bedroom floor with my scriptures. Just opening and reading hoping something will be there that will help me. Jade sees me crying and grabs my face with her two little hands presses her nose to mine and giggles. Another act of kindness. Then she sits in my lap and helps me flip through the scriptures. When she pulls a page out I decide perhaps now is not the time and I put them away. I should probley pray about it first anyway.

Teagan gets out of the tub and the kids are so cute. They play and hug. They are really what has been keeping me above water. Jade laughs as I try to keep her from giving herself an ink mustache with the pen she found in the mess that is our home. Ian calls and tells me it will be okay. I flip out because I'm so sick of hearing that and still more comes. Yes it will be okay but to what degree. If we are homeless by some definition it will be okay. We talk for a long time.

I can't possible sleep so I stay up redoing the menu and planning our food storage and researching this and that. Then I realise that I'm just looking to be in control of something. But I'm not. I'm not in control of any of this. You could argue I never was but I sure did a good job convincing myself that I was. Then I decide I might as well get ready for bed in case I decide to ever sleep. I pull my hair back to wash my face, look in the mirror and it hits me hard. Endure it well.

Again I cry. Endure it well. I know exactly what it means. It was the main topic of the my favorite conference talk I shared the young women in mutual a few weeks ago. It was the talk by Elder Cook, "I want ya to know, we had a hard time". I could completely relate to what that little boy was feeling. Right then I realise I have a choice and a responsibility. I can't continue to be angry about our circumstances because that certainly isn't how I would think the Lord's would define enduring it well. Being angry certainly isn't my own idea of enduring anything well.

I look it up and I realise that my answers are not in the scriptures I thought they were but in modern day teachings. The first talk I click on is from Elder Marvin J. Ashton, "If Thou Endure It Well" I read this line and my eyes are blurred with tears. A worthwhile attitude for all of us could well be, “Help us, O Lord, to remember thy love for us and help us to be fortified by thy strength when our eyes are blurred with tears of sorrow and our vision is limited.” I want to get to the point that this is my attitude, “I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith.”

I would like to finish the course of these difficulties. They are coming out us in more ways then I could ever mention here. It's not up to me. Perhaps my course of these trails will not be finished until I leave this earth. I doubt it but I'm not in control. I know I'm being taught something from all of this. I see that it is breaking me down, opening me up and forcing me to do the most difficult thing for me. Ask for help. For now I only hope to get some sleep and wake up to well happy children. Here is the link to Elder Ashton's talk. I think many of us are having difficult times right now. I hope this helps someone else as much as it did me.